It was during one of the early days of my spiritual practices that I felt depressed about not seeing the God in me that saints and sages speak about. I was, in fact, obsessed during my daily practice to experience fantastic divine visions like Mahavatar Babaji blessing me and Paramahansa Yogananda smiling at me. Least did I realize then that I was still a child crying for a candy. But probably, all spiritual seekers go through such periods of obsession and depression during some phase of their journeys. And today I am not ashamed to share what I felt years before.
With time, maturity and wisdom began creeping in. I slowly started to realize that it is not the visions and magical experiences that I must crave for. Rather, I should crave for the one that creates such mystical experiences. I am here to seek God and not God’s creations.
Though I came out of the silly obsessions I had earlier, my heart was still craving to meet Him. It was consoling to read Paramahansa Yogananda’s experience in his Autobiography of Yogi when he meets Master Mahasaya and cries to him to speak for him to Maa Durga. And on the next morning, Paramahansa Yogananda will get a vision of Maa Durga. Even our great Guru had gone through such tumultuous moments. Thus it consoled me that I am not wrong in my desires.
I must say it was a slow journey of learning and unlearning up until one day something happened that gave me hope in my body, mind and whole being, for the first time.
On one particular day, as I sat to read Autobiography of a yogi, I turned to the page where Guruji talks to AnandaMayi Ma. It has always been a pleasure to read that chapter again and again in which the subtle love between God and His devotee could be literally felt. After I finished reading the book, as I was drenched in the love of the Blissful Mother, I closed my eyes and remained in silence. It was then that for the first time, I experienced divinity in its true self. It is an indescribable state of emotion where everything else around me remained unimportant for me. How many days have I longed for this moment of life?! And what joy this ecstatic state of bliss gives one, is boundless.
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That was the day of my hope! Hope of life, love and the world! The only purpose of existence for my life is to become one with the Lord at the end of this life. Before that holy day, my hope was only a dream. But it marked the beginning of a new ray of hope in me. Ever since that beautiful day of my life, I have never fell short of hope. I know He is ever with me and I can always look up t Him at all times.
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